Rural Illinois Mother Meets Death by Monarch

A week ago, I commented on Facebook about how happy I was to see the first monarchs of the season while on my bike ride. They are so striking and graceful. My grandma used to collect butterflies and frame them. When I see monarchs, I think of her. I should say, I used to think of her. When I see a monarch now, I think of death.

Today, at mile 13 of my ride in the blistering Illinois heat, one of those beautiful monarchs hit me right between the eyes. The bastard got its wing stuck up under my sunglasses and kept flapping like a freaking bat until I got it free. I am proud to say I kept the bike up but the monarch went down missing a wing. You know, if it had hit me a couple inches lower I might have very well aspirated a butterfly. Helluva way to die.

"Rural Illinois Mother Meets Death by Monarch". They would probably find me dead on the side of Ford County Road 600 East with no signs of a struggle. The only clue would be the ring of pollen around my lips. I wonder if they would give my family my bike or keep it as evidence. My dad bought me that bike so they should really give it to him.

The kids would take it hard. Marcus would start having nightmares about giant cocoons and Zach would insist on wearing a beekeepers outfit just to go outside. Toya would start a support group for kids whose parents were killed by insects. Mikayla's football team would all wear butterfly patches on their jerseys. My kids would all get tattoos of butterflies on their shoulders. Of course, if I had been hit and killed by a car they probably wouldn't get tattoos of Volvos, but still.

The Gibson City Courier would run a two-part series called: "Butterflies: The Silent Killers". Ryan and the kids would be on Oprah and talk about what a great mom I was. Ryan would start crying when he told Oprah that his last words to me were, "Why do I have to go get the spaghetti sauce? Can't you just get it when you get back from your ride?". He would talk about how hard it is to be a widower with six kids, so Oprah would give them a lifetime supply of food from Schwann's and six full-ride college scholarships.

When it's hot and you are out in the middle of corn fields, you have a lot of time to think. By the time I got to this part in my story, I was home. I knew everyone would be so grateful to see me. I mean, look how close I had come to a tragic death that would change their lives forever. I was right, they were very happy to see me. Mikayla said, "Mom, when you go get the spaghetti sauce will you get the Pepperidge Farm garlic bread? That cheap stuff sucks."